If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
