she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Thank you for not boning my boss.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
