I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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