so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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