I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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