We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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