my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
