I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
