I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
