So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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