i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
