did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize