I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's shark week go big or go home
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize