It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
