Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
do nipples grow back?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
