I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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