im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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