I hope mine doesn't look like that
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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