Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
