My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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