John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
