I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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