Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
