He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
