she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
