on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
