does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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