Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
