I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
