If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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