Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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