some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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