My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
