So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
