I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
