so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
