Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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