Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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