Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize