tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
not ubering you a puppy
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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