im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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