I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
