I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
