is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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