I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
