Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
