You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
