$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
