My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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