if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize