Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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