i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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