She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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