My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
