My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
