Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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