this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
