from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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