mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
