i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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