I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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