look no pants
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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