Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
