Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
