and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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