you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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