Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(972): View more from Texas

The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we

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(631): View more from New York

Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

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(518): View more from New York

Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.

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(805): View more from California

I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.

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