I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
