she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize